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I've Lost Someone Too

Posted by Raymond Voegele on

Something I have realized I don't want to say to someone that loses their dad, or anyone else, is the equivalent of, "I lost my dad. I know how you feel."
...because I don't know how they feel.
I know that it sucks and it hurts, but I don't know the levels of their relationship, their wiring, their connection, their frequencies, their limitations, their abilities, their said and unsaid, and the fullness of what their loss means to them.
One person can lose a dollar, and it means more than the person that loses ten thousand dollars.
A relationship is like a mold with in and outs, bumps and dips, unique crevices, highs and lows, losses and wins, mountain tops and valleys, secret places, the well known, and the unknown.
...and you can pour the same plaster into two different molds and end up with two completely different casts.
We may understand loss. We may understand psychology. We may understand temperaments and wiring. We may understand the process of grieving. We may understand chemical reactions, and 1s and 0s...but to think we understand what someone else is feeling and going through based on our own casting and math...is simply not true.
Don't diminish someone else's loss of a unique, beloved relationship, by generalizing it and telling them that it is essentially not unique because you know exactly how they feel, simply because you lost someone too. Because you don't.
Maybe it would be better to say, "I have lost someone too, and I know it sucks and hurts. I realize that your experience and my experience may not be the same because every relationship has it's own identity and carries its own fingerprint, but I am here if you want to talk about and share yours with me. Your pain may be the same in some ways, and far different in others, because of how amazingly detailed the surface of the hole you have in your life is, but if you let me, I will help carry the loss and pain, even if only by way of listening to the intricacy of it and promising to remember."

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